The glass debate

Is it half empty or half full? Which way are we really supposed to look at it?

So my yoga teacher is this blonde aussie amazonian beauty - she is one of the most awesome people I know. She is beautiful - inside and out - and I seriously mean that - and on top of that she is just this amazing human being - kind, caring, thoughtful and yes you guessed it SINGLE!!!!

So she's popped up on IM - just to check in really - find out why she hasn’t seen me for ages. So we had a little chat about stuff - she has been a broad pair of shoulders for me to lean on when things have been a bit tough and she knows me quite well - anyway we were chatting and she confessed to feeling really unsure about whether she would ever meet someone - she has an amazing life, friends, family, business etc. however does want someone to share it with. (It always comes back to *boys* doesn’t it?!) Anyway I'm like wtf? This is like I've never heard her before - she is always soooooo upbeat and positive normally - for once it was me proffering pearls of *wisdom* - god help her!

In the end I 'spose it comes down to perspective doesn’t it?

We can all have a bad day and see things in a very dim light. The trick/knack/whatever is to recognise it and then choose how you want to deal with it. You can choose to wallow in your own vat of self pity and generally moan about how terrible things are. Alternatively you can choose to face up to the fact that even though you're not 100% happy - you're still alive - no one has died (well I hope not anyway) and that you will make sure that tomorrow is be a better, brighter and generally bubblier day. This is also known as manning up.

What's it all about Alfie?

Earlier someone said to me "I like your style" - as in one person’s endorsement of another’s actions. It got me thinking about style - as in general style. In the visual sense. Am I making any? Sense that is. Most probably not knowing me.

Anyway - this style thing - I've always been in awe of people that I think look / act / behave in a stylish way. How can people be that comfortable in their own skin?

Anyone that *knows* me has an inkling about the HUGE hang ups I have - it just makes me no different from anyone else I suppose. We'd all love to be taller / skinnier / prettier etc. When actually what we should do is focus on what we have - rather than aspiring to have something totally unrealistic - and make the best of it.

As part of Project GAP (yes that chestnut again!) I've decided that I should follow my own advice. And learn to love my own style. So the blonde thing (which has generated some very interesting comments to say the least) is about me working out what *my* style is. I've always been totally conservative - never wanted to stand out - never wanted to stick my head about the parapet. Time for a change me thinks.

Bunny in the headlights....

Do you ever have days where you have SOOOOO much to do that you just don’t know where to start? You get that Bunny in the headlights look on your face....?

I think I'm having one of those years. Normally I am Miss. Hyper-super-efficient at work. I write lists. I clear stuff off my list. Nice big ticks. I try and avoid my email - only respond for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon - I figure if it’s important and the house is burning down they'll call me. I try not to schedule meetings for more than an hour - difficult where I work at the best of times. I try and do all the right things to make sure that I have enough time, energy and head space to be able to get through my stuff - my job is *slightly* visible after all :)

But sometimes all of those little tips and techniques just don’t cut it. It feels like one step forward and 48 steps back. It’s usually at times like this that I lose perspective on everything. I panic. I flap. I go quiet. I huff and puff a lot. I teeter on the edge of getting ratty with people because they want to *chat*...

It makes me question why I react so badly to stress. Is it because I am so obsessed with my job that I have to be seen to be perfect at all times? Is it because I feel that anyone that wants to chat to me (heaven forbid) has no consideration for my boundaries? Is it because I feel like I am totally out of control?

It’s a little bit of each of those things really.

Years ago someone (I think it was my ex - bless him - he did have a use) pointed out to me that even when you die your inbox will keep filling up - it’s never ever going to be empty. That depressed the buggery out of me at the time - however a little distance gave me some perspective - you know what? It’s true. I suppose it comes back to the control thing again - it’s human nature to want to control stuff. That bit comes naturally. What doesn’t come naturally - at least for me - is comprehending that sometimes I am just along for the ride - I am a passenger and should just buckle up - I can’t control everything. That I should just relax, chill out and go with the flow a bit more.

My inbox is a bit like my life really.....

And the one thing I forgot to mention......

Is that it was an anniversary for me yesterday. And I completely forgot about it too until someone randomly said something that reminded me.

Drum roll please - I've been single for two years. Well actually its now 2 years and one day. That's 731 days.... Actually there was a leap year in there - make that 732 days. That's a long time you know?

I started to wonder - is it a good thing to remember *those* kind of anniversaries? And my answer - well yes I think it is a good thing. It’s important - it’s a part of my life - and with hindsight I wouldn't change it at all. No sireee Bob!

I started to think about the person that I used to be and the person that I am now. Two very different people. One definitely wouldn't have dyed her hair blonde that's for sure! I always thought being on your own was one of the most scary things you could do. And it is. However it’s also one of the most mad, crazy, liberating and exhausting things I've ever done in my entire life and I love it.

Like anyone I have days where I'm angry at everyone, lonely, fed up and all that tosh - days where I wonder when / if / how I will meet the person that will put a grin on my face - but you know what - that will happen. One day. Most probably when I'm least expecting it and totally not ready for it. But in the meantime I am going to crack on with the job at hand - I like my life now. I take things a little less seriously, a little less personally and a little more at face value. And that's a good thing - I think that feeling deserves its very own *like* button.

Sunday bloody sunday .....

Don't you just love 'em?

Well kind of yes. However they are full of random acts of kindness. Which isn't a bad thing. They put a grin on your face and get you thinking.

I was talking to a friend of mine today about control. And how we all strive for it. Subliminally. We all want to control what goes on in our world. End of. No its not up for debate.

However we need to understand that we can only really control what goes on in our world. We cant control outside of our own domain - that's uncontrollable. Doh.

Therefore don't bother. Control your energy. Pardon the pun. Control what is within your grasp.

Our energy and mood is what is within our grasp. Therefore that is what we should focus on.

I can choose to focus my energy on me. Its what I get the most out of. Its what gives the most back to me. Right now its where my energy is focused. Me. A novel experience.....

Being blonde...

Project GAP kicked off in grand style at 9am. Why did I agree to being at the hairdressers at stupid o'clock? Anyway S I X hours (yes six hours) later and I am now a fully fledged card toting member of the peroxide blonde club. Awesome.

Strange how changing your hair colour can have an effect on your ego isn’t it? Silly really. It’s something I always remember from my childhood the profound affect it would have...

I had a conversation with someone this afternoon - a girl I know who runs a business near me - she's really easy to talk to - we have very different ideals and thoughts on what is and isn’t acceptable - however we both had crap weeks last week. We were talking about how we were going to man up.

We both agreed that in the end it’s down to making a choice. Isn’t that the way with most things? I can choose to be grumpy. I can choose to be narky. I can choose to be generally unpleasant. I can also choose to get some perspective and stick a grin on my face and get on with it....

In the grand scheme of things most of the things that rattle my cage are irrelevant. Did someone die? No. Then you silly arse crack on with the job at hand.

The one thing that I do know that I prefer the Mel that people get when I'm good. The bad Mel isn’t great. Don't think we'll be letting her out to play too often.

And here endeth the sermon for today.

A starter for 10...

Blimey. I'm nearly 38 years old. And I've suddenly got down with the kids and decided that *blogging* might be a good idea. Mmmhh.

Well actually what I decided was that I would share what goes on in my diminutive little brain with the world. I find it amusing. Highly amusing some days. Plus I find it quite cathartic to write it all down. Removes the emotion and gives you that little bit of perspective you know?

Anyhoo - it’s Friday night - in the last 20 minutes three people have all popped up on IM asking if I am ok. All because I am in on a Friday night. Dear god. Weirdly enough though it’s not that unusual for me to be in on a Fritag. More unusual for me to be online. Not very rock and roll am I?

So dear reader what do I want to share today? Not sure really. It’s been a bumpy old emotional rollercoaster of a week. I've been very grumpy - in fact I've bored myself now with my grumpiness. I've eaten enough chocolate to sink a battleship. Which didn’t help with the general feeling of grumpiness. Or frumpiness for that matter. There's been a little too much navel gazing. There's been a little too much randomness. A modicum of randomness is a good thing - keeps people guessing - go past a certain threshold and people just think you're a plain nuts. Not a good look.

The net result of this white knuckle ride was a contemplative journey home tonight having bought a daft self help book at Waterloo. Minor aside - have you ever noticed how many self help books they sell in WH Smiths at Waterloo? A lot. I can only deduce from this that a lot of depressed people travel through Waterloo. Uhoh deviation - back to contemplating - the decision that I made was to start writing a blog and to man up. A sexist comment some might say - man up not writing a blog natch - girls normally are the protestors - however it works for me.

Saturday will be day 1 of *manning up* - also known as Project GAP (Grow a Pair) - and to kick off this monumental experiment I am going to dye my hair peroxide blonde. That'll scare a few people! Me included.

On that note - I'm doing one.