Trust.

Its quite a small word - trust - however it has some big issues attached to it.

Dictionary definition: Reliance on the integrity, strength, ability, surety, etc., of a person or thing;

I'm a very open and honest person - too honest and too open on occasions. In my experience if we dont trust people we can end up isolating ourselves and no-one wants to do that. Therefore I have made the mistake of allowing people to enter into my life with no heed for who they are, what their agenda or what they want from me. I give me trust away with little regard to its value to me - and to others.

Anyway without boring you (or indeed myself - this has had WAY too much airplay for my liking right now) I've learnt an important lesson about trust over the last couple of days.

So my fine feathered friends. This blog is moving. To somewhere I can share it with people I trust.

M. x

Ignorance is bliss. Or not as the case may be...

I was meandering through the Evening Standard on the way home this evening. I can only apologise, but I do need something to fill my lovely 55 minute train journey :(

Anyway there was an article all about email communication - and specifically a study that had been conducted that looked at scenarios that led to people being *ignored* by email.

It basically talked about that fact that most people struggle with dealing with the concept of being ignored by email. I mean it’s bad enough if you know if someone point blank ignores you – it’s even worse if they hide behind cyberspace isn't it?

So how do you chase people down if they ignore you without appearing needy, psychotic or like a stalker? Do you wait a week and re-email? Do you call and also email? Do you go straight to their line manager and grass them up? What is politically correct these days?

This study had spent time looking at hierarchy within the business too - who were the people who replied dead quick and who were the people who got ignored? Basically it depends on where you sit in the grand scheme of things as to how promptly you get responded to – if at all that is.

If you're deemed important then you'll get a reply - this group includes PAs too – so you can’t apply a rule of thumb about the size of salary vs. response time - and no I don’t have a chip about PAs as I used to be one years ago. The interesting thing was that if you are just perceived as a *grunt* worker - someone that is more administration orientated or low profile - then you are highly likely to get ignored.

I started to think about whether this applies to our personal lives too. And I think it does – to a lesser extent – but I do think that subconsciously we all rate people emotionally and give them a priority rating – and that’s driven by our own emotional state at that specific point in time – and we respond to the people around us within the time span, and in a manner, that we feel is right and appropriate. Its not necessarily being ignored – it’s just about priorities. And sometimes lack of head space.

So if you’re on the receiving end of someone’s *diminished priority* – when maybe you think that you should be their number one priority – how do you deal with it without falling into the needy category?

I went out for a drink with a guy last week. We'll call it a date for arguments sake. Anyway - an ok evening - no major chemistry so I'm happy to call it a day. However at the end of the evening he says to me "Its been fun. Shall I call you or will you call me?", so I say "Why dont you call me....?" And needless to say he doesnt - I dont die in a ditch - its not personal - its not a reflection on me - its a reflection on him and the priority he placed on me. Just because I'm not a priority to him doesnt make me any less of a person. My opinion of me is important. His isnt.

I mean let me put it another way - I know that when I am maxed and doing BITH (Bunny in the Headlights) thing then I do tend to ignore people. I just focus on me and cracking on with the job at hand. However I know when my friends are doing it to me – maybe they are in meetings all day or need to get their head down and focus or simply cant muster up the emotional bandwidth to deal with someone else as well as whats going on in their world – well I don’t take it personally. I just acknowledge the fact that I’m not always a priority – after all its not about me – its about them ;)

A side order of guilt....

Guilt's a funny thing. You know? Creates some very odd behaviour.

I've just looked up the dictionary definition of guilt; a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined.

Like most people I always do my damndest to be all things to all people. I'm a girl and I work in Marketing (of sorts) therefore I am an *organiser*. I always used to be the one running around after people, shepherding them in the right direction and making sure that they were happy. Or at least I used to be that person. The one fussing and faffing and worrying myself silly - I wanted to personally ensure that everyone was having a good time. All the time. They didnt have a choice in the matter! And if people weren't having a good time then it simply had to be my fault. Didnt it?! I'd spend hours obsessing over a situation to work out where I'd gone wrong, what had gone awry and if I'd been perfect then how much better it would've been for all parties. That's changed these days.

It's taken a long time (38 years to be precise) to suss out that I cannot assume responsibility for everyone. Or anyone. Well anyone other than me that is. Its best if I just take responsibility for myself and thats it.... We'd all love to be seen as the all conquering hero / heroine. However the fact of life is that nobody is perfect. Even those people who appear from the outside looking in to lead the most perfect, guilt-free lives - well invariably they are as flawed as the next person.

Striving for perfection is a recipe for failure, since it can never be attained. We all make mistakes. The key, however, is to recognise when something could / should have been done differently, learn from it and accept that we’re only human.

These days I don’t engage in days, weeks or months of self-blame or beating my self-esteem with a big stick because I should’ve known better, should’ve acted differently, or simply should’ve been a better person. That’s just life. Much easier if you just accept it.

Honesty is the only policy

So I've been remiss. Bad Mel. Punishment will be dispensed at some point. No doubt. And no I haven’t been ignoring you - how could you possibly think that?!

I've been thinking today about honesty. It’s something that we would all wear as a badge of honour - of course - after all we are honest people - aren’t we? The sad truth is that we aren’t. Not always. When it suits us we are. And when it suits us we aren’t. Shimples.

I've been on the receiving end of dishonest behaviour and also on the giving end of it too. Much as it shames me to admit it. At least I can admit it. And hell no-one is perfect. No-one. Sometimes we cut out cloth accordingly as to what suits us in the moment.

What I find *challenging* is when people can’t / wont / don’t fess up to their own dishonesty. We all do it. The dishonesty thing. Why hide it? It’s what makes you human after all. We can’t be all things to all people. So why try? Why not be the best that you can within the parameters of who you are as a person - without over committing - and make yourself and others happy?

What gets me (and really gets my friendly neighbourhood goat too) is when people think that they are doing the right thing by not telling the truth. Who are you helping right now? Really....?

Telling the truth is difficult. That’s why people lie. It's natural that we all want to look good. Not be the bad person. Lying is tied to self esteem. According to the people in the know anyway. Why do we put ourselves before someone else in the self esteem stakes?

Right now I have no answers to anything - merely questions, suppositions, observations and a few assumptions.

The glass debate

Is it half empty or half full? Which way are we really supposed to look at it?

So my yoga teacher is this blonde aussie amazonian beauty - she is one of the most awesome people I know. She is beautiful - inside and out - and I seriously mean that - and on top of that she is just this amazing human being - kind, caring, thoughtful and yes you guessed it SINGLE!!!!

So she's popped up on IM - just to check in really - find out why she hasn’t seen me for ages. So we had a little chat about stuff - she has been a broad pair of shoulders for me to lean on when things have been a bit tough and she knows me quite well - anyway we were chatting and she confessed to feeling really unsure about whether she would ever meet someone - she has an amazing life, friends, family, business etc. however does want someone to share it with. (It always comes back to *boys* doesn’t it?!) Anyway I'm like wtf? This is like I've never heard her before - she is always soooooo upbeat and positive normally - for once it was me proffering pearls of *wisdom* - god help her!

In the end I 'spose it comes down to perspective doesn’t it?

We can all have a bad day and see things in a very dim light. The trick/knack/whatever is to recognise it and then choose how you want to deal with it. You can choose to wallow in your own vat of self pity and generally moan about how terrible things are. Alternatively you can choose to face up to the fact that even though you're not 100% happy - you're still alive - no one has died (well I hope not anyway) and that you will make sure that tomorrow is be a better, brighter and generally bubblier day. This is also known as manning up.

What's it all about Alfie?

Earlier someone said to me "I like your style" - as in one person’s endorsement of another’s actions. It got me thinking about style - as in general style. In the visual sense. Am I making any? Sense that is. Most probably not knowing me.

Anyway - this style thing - I've always been in awe of people that I think look / act / behave in a stylish way. How can people be that comfortable in their own skin?

Anyone that *knows* me has an inkling about the HUGE hang ups I have - it just makes me no different from anyone else I suppose. We'd all love to be taller / skinnier / prettier etc. When actually what we should do is focus on what we have - rather than aspiring to have something totally unrealistic - and make the best of it.

As part of Project GAP (yes that chestnut again!) I've decided that I should follow my own advice. And learn to love my own style. So the blonde thing (which has generated some very interesting comments to say the least) is about me working out what *my* style is. I've always been totally conservative - never wanted to stand out - never wanted to stick my head about the parapet. Time for a change me thinks.

Bunny in the headlights....

Do you ever have days where you have SOOOOO much to do that you just don’t know where to start? You get that Bunny in the headlights look on your face....?

I think I'm having one of those years. Normally I am Miss. Hyper-super-efficient at work. I write lists. I clear stuff off my list. Nice big ticks. I try and avoid my email - only respond for an hour in the morning and an hour in the afternoon - I figure if it’s important and the house is burning down they'll call me. I try not to schedule meetings for more than an hour - difficult where I work at the best of times. I try and do all the right things to make sure that I have enough time, energy and head space to be able to get through my stuff - my job is *slightly* visible after all :)

But sometimes all of those little tips and techniques just don’t cut it. It feels like one step forward and 48 steps back. It’s usually at times like this that I lose perspective on everything. I panic. I flap. I go quiet. I huff and puff a lot. I teeter on the edge of getting ratty with people because they want to *chat*...

It makes me question why I react so badly to stress. Is it because I am so obsessed with my job that I have to be seen to be perfect at all times? Is it because I feel that anyone that wants to chat to me (heaven forbid) has no consideration for my boundaries? Is it because I feel like I am totally out of control?

It’s a little bit of each of those things really.

Years ago someone (I think it was my ex - bless him - he did have a use) pointed out to me that even when you die your inbox will keep filling up - it’s never ever going to be empty. That depressed the buggery out of me at the time - however a little distance gave me some perspective - you know what? It’s true. I suppose it comes back to the control thing again - it’s human nature to want to control stuff. That bit comes naturally. What doesn’t come naturally - at least for me - is comprehending that sometimes I am just along for the ride - I am a passenger and should just buckle up - I can’t control everything. That I should just relax, chill out and go with the flow a bit more.

My inbox is a bit like my life really.....